I Want to Be a Mongoose

     We returned from our last minute Hawaii vacation this past weekend. Hawaii was full of awesome and I'm about 99% sure that we've decided on the east side of Hawaii as our place of retirement. See that picture above? That was the view from our room, orgasmic, I know. We decided to stay in Kaneohe since I hate people and it seemed to be the non tourist side of the island. I was correct for the most part. The weather was super shitty the first few days there so we ended up being those stupid tourists I spoke of, minus the Hawaiian shirts, bucket hats, and wearing tube socks with our sandals. We went to the Honolulu Zoo, a Buddhist temple, botanical gardens (where I saw my first real mongoose), and found an amazing Japanese ramen house that we ate at about 4 times. It was like crack, only it didn't give us the shakes and made us gain weight. When the weather finally cleared up we were beach bums. Let me tell you about Kailua beach. We would get there very early in the morning and I would proceed to fall asleep, when I woke up it would be like the invasion of the Japanese. I had no idea that it was such a popular vacation spot for them and they have NO concept of personal space. I thought about pretending to be Godzilla to scare them all away at least 50 times, instead I just took a giant sip of my strawberry margarita and turned over to get the skin cancer on my other side.
     Now, lets talk about the hotel we stayed at. It was really nice until we found our way to the continental breakfast in the morning. As previously stated, I hate people. I REALLY hate people who try to talk at me before I've had my caffeine intravenously, and yet this old lady insisted on butting into our conversation and tell us stuff that we already knew about the island because she wanted everyone to know she had been there before. This happened more often than I liked so I found myself waking up at 6:30 just to get to the breakfast first time to avoid these flies in my otherwise fabulous ointment. This is too fucking early to be up in the wake of my daily alcohol binge. One morning I happened upon a nerdy/emo couple. They were a pair of the most pastie white people I had ever seen. What the hell did you come to Hawaii for? We know that it wasn't the sun and sand. Then there was the annoying family that made me want to hang myself. They actually sat there and had a huge chuckle out of the fact that they all ate their mango differently. It was total Leave it to Beaver shit and it made me go back to my room to immediately start drinking again.
   The last thing about the vacation that bummed me out was the fact that I didn't get to hike the Haiku stairs. It is a nearly 4000 step hike up the mountain that was built by the Coast Guard back in the day to get to the satellites they had placed on top. The problem is that it is "closed to the public" and the little town where the trail starts has hired a guard to keep people from sneaking up the mountain. We would have had to wake up at 3 in the morning just to get there before he did to  sneak up there and I was way too busy being drunk/hungover by that time to even fathom it. Instead, I just snapped my annoying tourist picture of it and made my husband promise to take me back and illegally climb the mountain sober.