Leaving Without Ed...Oo La La

     First of all, kitties! Keep that in mind before you stop reading because of the proceeding.
     Today has thus far been an excruciating day, and I will forewarn you all that this first part is a profane rant. I had to go eat lunch with my husband's commander and his wife. The commander bought the newcomers lunch (it was at the chow hall so he spent about 10$ for 8 people it's really not impressive) Now during this lunch the commander never even talked, it was all his wife trying to pressure the spouses there to join their pathetic spouse's group. Being prior service, I have no desire to align myself as a "military spouse." I know that I am now but I am a veteran first. I hate the stupid stickers they put on their cars. "Half of my heart is in Iraq." "I <3 my soldier, airman, marine etc." My favorite, "Military wife, the hardest job in the military." What. The. Fuck. I'm pretty sure the hardest job in the military was that dude that took out Osama. Once you bitches do that you can have your gay stickers on your mini-vans. I don't want to go to your mani-pedi days, I have more important things to do like be pre-med, fuck shit up in Azeroth, and oh yeah, actually have an inkling of what it's like to be in the military because,  I don't know, I have been in. So stop bitching about deployments, working holidays, and late hours. You knew what the fuck you were signing up for when you married a member of our armed forces...end rant.
     Luckily my day is going to get immensely better around 6PM Alaska Time. We have adopted a new cat!

Meet Edward. She already has that, "I hate you," look down. Yes I did say she. You see, I'm more of a dork than just playing video games, I also enjoy anime. I'm a huge fan of the Cowboy Bebop series. One of the main characters is a girl named Edward. I love her with a passion, she spoke one of my favorite quotes ever, "Leaving without Ed...Oo la la." Then proceeds to crash their ride. She's awesome.

Nutty Wolves

    It's been a month since I've posted because we've only just now gained internet access since the move from the base "hotel." We finally decided on the house in Chugiak because driving 50 minutes one way to work and school made my soul sore. Our neighbors are loud as hell and we have a pack of wolves living in the hill we live on. I thought they only howled at night, but not these guys they will go at it in the a.m. just to remind you that they are there, thus driving the Guinness Kitty into a fiendish frenzy of, "Oh my god, what the FUCK is that? Are they going to eat me?!?!" My husband says that it's just Team Jacob...you know how I know you're gay?
     The unpacking is going very slowly but surely. The fun part is that we get to burn all the paper and various odds and ends that frankly, we just want to see if they will burn. A dvd case, pillows, a queen sized comforter, Body by Jake, catnip toys, (hopefully there are no mountain lions in our woods)and the heart of one small child
     We have 2 spare rooms, one is being made into a guest room for guests that tell us how badly they want to visit but never will. The other is being made into a workout room. We have a weight bench in there now and hopefully soon a shiny new treadmill will be in there so I can start my Run 365* regimen which has already hit a small wall... I prefer the elliptical. So there is a very good chance that my Run 365* will turn into Ellipse 365* either way my fat ass needs to loose weight because I just unpacked the scales and we had a very "Garfield vs. scale" moment that ended in me saying, "Fuck you. The movers broke you ON PURPOSE!!!"
    
*unofficially my official title for running every day for 365 days.

Termite Freeloaders

     The housing situation here in Alaska is really leaving a lot to be desired. First of all we are forced to live in on-base lodging for the next 30 days, this wouldn't be so bad but for a few things;
1. The Guinness Kitty is not allowed in the room, so we've had to bring her to a new place and put her right into a kennel which is tres not cool.
2. We have a full sized bed to sleep on for 2 people that are above 5'9". Oh the comfort...
3. The heating system is not centralized so the heat from the neighbors seeps into our room making it a toasty 90F even though we don't have the heat on in our room. It's fucking snowing out and we have the windows open.
4. We don't have a kitchen. We will be here for 30 days with no kitchen and a minuscule microwave which means we are forced to eat out for almost every meal. This is no beuno.
     Most of this is the fault of our "sponsor." This is the person who reserves your room for you for when you get here, shows you around town, and takes you house hunting. She really screwed the pooch on us and forgot we had a cat, or a need to eat healthy food I guess. Also we've been forced to spend money on a rental car and find our own way around a new place to look for a house. Can't you just feel the love.
     First of all, Anchorage is a shit hole to live in. The houses are right on top of each other and have no more than 5 (five) inoperable vehicles sitting in the front lawn. Our sponsor really keeps pushing us to live in Anchorage because apparently she loves the idea of living on her neighbor's lap, or borrowing spare car parts. Housing for us is slim pickins yo. Mostly because of the Guinness Kitty. Most landlords won't allow pets or if they do, cats are not allowed. Also we refuse to live in an apartment or in town because we hate people and don't want to hear our neighbors having sex to create their 7th child so they can get more food stamps. This left us with 4 houses to look at. We still have one of these to look at but so far our choices are having a really awesome house on the lake (and Sarah Palin's lake house was seriously across the lake from it) but having to commute 50 minutes to Anchorage for work and school, or having a kind of crappy house but only living 20 minutes away. We're totally screwed any way that you look at it, so I'm hoping with every fiber of my bitter being that this last house pulls through. If not, I'm taking a page from the termites and finding the first piece of wood, hopping on, and living there...as long as there are no neighbors.

Armadillo Shuffle

When I was at tech school for the Air Force at Keesler AFB we had PT 3 times a week. It was something like an hour of running in a huge circle. Many of us young airman would perform what was affectionately called the, "Keesler shuffle." This is pretty much walking at a brisk pace with a bit of a bounce added in to make it look like you were actually jogging. For the past week I have been doing what I am calling the Armadillo shuffle. You see, it's almost April in San Antonio and it is already in the 90s with humidity to match. I decided to try a taste of my Run 365 program while visiting the in-laws since Aide has a treadmill in the garage. I told myself that I was going to run every single day for at least 15 minutes as per the official rules that Run Betty Run had set forth. My first day out there I ran for 20 minutes alternating between a 12 minute mile and 10 minute mile every minute. This doesn't sound too bad does it? Well within the first 5 minutes I was dripping sweat into my precious eye balls and various wounds I have suffered from facing a Guinness Kitty's wrath for making her get into a kennel one too many times for this vacation. "Only 15 more minutes," I said to myself while trying to desperately pay attention to Sunshine the Werewolf on my Ipod. 5 more minutes go by, sweat is dripping into my mouth (grossness) my cat inflicted wounds feel like there is battery acid, not sweat, being introduced to them, and now there is a fucking spider dangling from the roof. I try desperately to blow him away realizing this is depleting my precious air supply for my run. Not only did the spider not do what I wanted it to (it must have been a man spider) but now I've messed up my breathing pattern. So with 5 minutes left I decide to be a pansy and slow down my pace, only I'm keeping my eye on this spider and don't realize that I hit the button to speed up the treadmill not slow it down. I finished up my 20 minutes though and I killed that damn spider to scare off any other spiders that had the bright idea to slow down my process of, "Trying to get Fine TM," I've even ran every single day that I have been here and while I'm not officially starting my Run 365 since things are going to be so hectic and uncertain when we get to Anchorage on Tuesday, I am about 99% sure that running every day for 365 days won't blow dogs for quarters. Oh, and that I hate spiders who ruin my running groove with a fiery passion and will feel the consequences of doing so with a swift death.

Husky Square Dance

     It's been a really long time since my last post, and since no one reads this it's fine. We are on the Texas leg of our vacation before heading to Alaska on Tuesday. Oh the joys of visiting family for a whole month...I want to rip my own arm off and beat myself into a coma with it. The trip started with a lovely 9 hour flight from Ramstein AFB and a plane full of screaming infants that made me contemplate sterilization at least 50 times. We made our way to the Mother Slice's in Pennsylvania. Luckily she was hardly home and I got to spend quality time with my Bitch. Then it was off to KY, the state not the jelly. I got to see my sister it was pretty tame. Finally 17 hours and 600$ in rental car fees later we arrived in San Antonio, Tejas. I have nothing to say...except his mother never shuts up and his dad is almost a creepy old man who thinks he has to be funny all the time. My soul hurts so bad that even Valium cannot help.
     I'm going to be partaking in what I'm calling Run 365* when we have our house set up and I've conned (read performed sexual favors for) my husband into buying me my fancy new treadmill. I've been secretly stalking this woman's blog. She made a vow to run every day for a whole year leading up to her wedding. Now I am no super woman like her who runs 15 miles like its a walk in the park. So I plan on writing about my experience which will in no way, shape, or form resemble the uplifting experience this awesome chick had whilst doing it. If you are interested in the rules that I will be following please visit her web page and check out her original post.

*my working title which will probably not change because I'm lazy which makes this whole endeavor ironic.

Sons of Bitches! BUMPUSES!

     My Christmas holiday was pretty awesome. The one thing that I miss greatly since living in Germany for the past 3 years has been my lack of 24 hours of A Christmas Story. "Only one thing in the world could've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window." Priceless.
     The man that lives with me really spoiled me this year. We have been married for 5 years this January, and every Christmas for the past 5 years I have been asking for a KitchenAid stand mixer. Well imagine my surprise when I FINALLY got one. Not just ANY KitchenAid stand mixer, but the Professional Plus bowl-lift mixer.

Santa also brought me the 12 cup KitchenAid food processor to go with it...and a new Coach bag. These were my big gifts. The husband got a 192 pieces Craftsman tool set as well as a really sweet Odyssey putter. Mrs. Claus felt really guilty about having a new putter way before Mr. Claus. 
     We will be ringing in the new year with a group of friends. We just spent 150 EURO on fireworks. These better be some really damn impressive sons of bitches. We depart for our alps snowboarding trip on the 2nd, just in time for the holiday hangover to wear off.

Yeti's Love Snow

     This past weekend, we went to Koln (Cologne for your non German types) for the Weihnachtsmarkt (Christmas market) A lot of the bigger cities have them. You go there and drink Gluwein until you puke, get some really awesome brats and in my case this year, mushrooms. I also had this dough dumpling covered in vanilla sauce that left me having joygasms even after I had finished it. There are booths all over the place with people selling their wares.
     The thing that makes the Koln Weihnachtsmarkt so special is that they have about 7 different markets set up throughout the city and no two are the same. Each of these markets has a coffee mug that is unique to that market, so crazy people like me walk around town for hours on end trying to collect them all. My favorites were from the gnome market and the medieval market. The gnome market mug has little gnomes doing various things on their mugs but the medieval market, they had freaking chalices!!

Look at those things!! The best part is that this market did not have the gluwein that makes me want to vomit. No, this place had hard cider wine. These fools are after my damn heart.
     We actually didn't buy that much at the markets since we had already been here in years past and knew what to expect, but we did end up spending over 100 euro on Christmas ornaments...ouch. That and the mugs, can't forget the 12 mugs...The Weihnachtsmarkt at the Kolner Dom was the "big" market and for good reason. You have the Kolner Dom in its entirety to marvel over. If you are ever near Koln you have to go see it.

     We don't really have anything planned for the holidays since we are taking our big snowboarding trip right after the new year to help avoid all the holiday tourist crazies. We are driving down to the German Alps and snowboarding for the whole week, no touristy stuff this year since we've already done it. I hope Santa brings me everything that I asked for this year, especially my Kitchenaide stand mixer that I have been asking for 5 years and counting.

Happy Holidays,
Homesliceable